Forgiving When You Don’t Feel Like It: A Study of Matthew 18
It's been said that bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. The truth in that line stings: no matter how much resentment you nurse toward someone who hurt you, the person you damage most is yourself. So what do you do when you know you should forgive—but you simply don't feel like it?
This message kicks off a new series, Transformational Stories, walking through five parables of Jesus in the Gospel of Matthew. We begin with the parable often called the unforgiving servant—a story Jesus told in answer to a very practical question from Peter.
Peter's Question and Jesus' Surprising Math
"Then Peter came up to him and said, 'Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?' Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.'" (Matthew 18:21–22)
Peter likely thought he was being generous—seven was the number of completeness. But Jesus wasn't handing out a new limit to count toward. He was exposing how often we forgive at a fraction of how God forgives us. We say, "I'll forgive when I feel like it," or "when they deserve it," or "only a certain number of times." Jesus calls us higher. The challenge isn't just severe wounds—the betrayals and abuses that feel like being stabbed in the back—but also the everyday, repeated offenses of living in real relationships. Anyone you stay close to long enough will sin against you, and you against them.
Three Truths About Forgiveness
1. Forgiveness is needed because of a debt
In the parable, a king settles accounts with a servant who owes him ten thousand talents—a debt so staggering it could never be repaid in a lifetime.
"So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.'" (Matthew 18:26)
That servant pictures us before God. Scripture says we have all sinned and fallen short of God's glory. Sin isn't merely a slip-up, like dropping a plate by accident. It's loving something more than the God who made us for himself; it's crossing the boundaries our good King set for our flourishing. The debt this creates is real and immense—and no amount of church attendance, kindness, or generosity can pay it off.
"...no one will ever be made right with God by obeying the law." (Galatians 2:16)
2. Forgiveness from God is free—but not cheap
"And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt." (Matthew 18:27)
The king didn't forgive 90% or 50% of the debt. He wiped it clean. This is what sets Christianity apart from every system of religious earning: you don't achieve forgiveness, you receive it. Yet free doesn't mean costless—it means you aren't the one who pays. Jesus is.
"He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness... he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross." (Colossians 2:13–14)
Notice the heart behind it. The king had pity—compassion in the middle of the servant's brokenness. God never pushes away a humble person who calls out for help; he opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. And his forgiveness is full: past, present, and future sins covered. Like a home that's fully paid off, there's nothing left owing. You can rest. You receive it simply by faith—trusting Jesus, the way you cash a check someone has already funded.
"Everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name." (Acts 10:43)
3. Forgiving others is not optional
Here the parable turns. The same servant, just released from billions, finds a fellow servant who owes him a comparatively tiny amount—and throttles him, refusing mercy, throwing him into prison. When the king hears, he is furious.
"So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart." (Matthew 18:35)
You can't spell forgive without give. A heart genuinely transformed by God's mercy will, over time, become a merciful heart. That doesn't mean it's easy or instant—but a refusal to forgive at all reveals a heart that hasn't yet been gripped by grace.
One important clarification: forgiveness is not the same as automatic trust or instant reconciliation. In cases of serious harm—abuse, betrayal, repeated wounding—you can release the offense to God without immediately restoring full trust. Rebuilding may take time and wisdom. But the goal of forgiveness is still restoration wherever it's possible, not using "forgiveness" as a label while quietly cutting everyone off.
Where the Power Comes From
So how do we forgive when we don't feel like it? First, rest in God's forgiveness of you.
"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." (Ephesians 4:32)
Forgiven people become forgiving people. The gospel both comforts us (God loves me though I don't deserve it) and humbles us (I'm a sinner who couldn't save myself). That humility dismantles the lie that keeps us bitter: "I would never do what they did." We're all on the same level—all needing the same mercy.
Second, ask God for the power. Jesus taught us to pray, "forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors" (Matthew 6:12). If forgiveness feels impossible in your own strength, pray for a transformed heart—and trust that this is a prayer God delights to answer.
Remember the cross. After being beaten, mocked, and nailed there, Jesus looked at the very people who put him there and said, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." If he can forgive that, he can give you the grace to forgive whoever comes to mind right now.
A Reflection to Carry With You
Two questions sit at the heart of this message: Have you been freed by God's forgiveness? And who do you need to forgive? You ultimately have one of two roads—the freedom that flows from forgiveness, or the slow isolation of bitterness.
If you'd like to explore this with people in person, we'd love to welcome you at Arroyo Church here in Livermore in the Tri-Valley—a place where we're learning together to know and show the love of Jesus.