3 Keys to Spiritual Maturity and Relational Unity (Ephesians 4)
You can't fix a broken relationship with a band-aid. From Ephesians 4, three keys to spiritual maturity and the relational unity that flows from it.
Picture someone falling and breaking their arm, and somebody walking up and saying, "Hey, let me help you out here. I want you to experience healing. Here's a band-aid." It would do nothing. The injury is too deep for a surface-level fix.
That is exactly what we often do with broken relationships. We reach for a band-aid: the self-help we hear online, or trying to fix it in our own power and our own strength. But many of our relational problems are actually spiritual problems, and spiritual problems are deep problems. As Pastor Josh Smith put it in this message from our Grace for You series through Ephesians, this week Ephesians 4:1–16, it is almost impossible to have unity without maturity. We live in a world that lacks relational unity because it lacks spiritual maturity. From this passage come three keys that help you experience spiritual maturity, the process of becoming more like Christ, and the outflow of that is relational unity.
The turning point of Ephesians
Ephesians 4:1 is the hinge of the whole letter, and the hinge swings on one word: therefore. In chapters 1–3, Paul has hammered home one theme: you are not worthy, but God in His grace loves you even when you are unlovable and invites you into relationship with Him. Now he pivots from what Jesus has done for us to how we should live because of it.
"I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace" (Ephesians 4:1–3).
"Walk worthy" does not mean earn your way to God. It means: now that you are accepted, loved, and forgiven, live like it. And the very first place Paul applies this is relationships.
Key 1: Allow grace to change your conflict management
Nothing sabotages close relationships like handling conflict poorly. Paul gives two steps toward Christ-like conflict management.
Patiently endure instead of putting up or pulling away
To "make allowance for one another's faults" does not mean excusing or endorsing sin. It means persevering through the pain someone has caused you in order to preserve the relationship. Too often we do the opposite: we either put up with people ("still married, but it's a miserable marriage") when God wants us to have peace with them, or we pull away far too quickly. Is there a time to pull away from someone? "Of course there is," Pastor Josh said: from a friend and "even sometimes a spouse, if there's a very serious problem." But "that should never be the first step, that should never be a quick step." If you or someone you love is being hurt at home, patience never means staying in danger. Please reach out to someone you trust or to a pastor at Arroyo today.
Patience begins with being prepared. Paul assumes people will fail you. Pastor Josh talks about young couples who, six months in, are surprised by each other's sin: "You married a sinner. You didn't marry your savior." The right expectations set you up for the right experience. Patience also means remembering that everyone is in process, and at different stages. Some people will require more patience than others.
Be a persistent peacemaker
Paul says to "make every effort" to keep unity. Not one effort. Not two. Every effort. Paul writes something very similar in Romans 12:18: "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all." This is not a question of how difficult the other person is, but of whether you have truly done all you can. Relationships are a two-way street, so not everything depends on you. If they never respond to your love and your efforts to make peace, "that's not on you, that's on them." But have you made every effort? Many of us quit after a few tries and walk away. And "every effort might look different in different situations," so pray about what God wants you to do.
Key 2: Realize God empowers and equips
Paul writes, "But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it" (Ephesians 4:7). The same grace that saves you is the same grace that gifts you.
"So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ" (Ephesians 4:11–13).
There are two reasons God equips and empowers.
You are gifted to do good for others
The church is a body with many parts and many gifts, and prominence does not equal importance. Some parts are prominent, like a mouth you can see or a heart you can feel. Others are hidden, like the pancreas: you never think about it, but you cannot live without it. Whether your gift is up front or behind the scenes, it matters. God gives you gifts "so that you can do good for others."
Leaders are given to the church not so people will admire them, but to equip his people for service. Pastor Josh warned against a mindset where "we view church as a restaurant," showing up for a really good dish. So the goal of good teaching is never a consumer who shows up to be fed and goes home unchanged, rating the "meal." The goal is a contributor: someone strengthened by God's Word who then turns to serve others in the church and in the world. "It's okay to consume," he said. "It's just not okay to consume and not contribute." You don't have to be perfect first. Like Isaiah, who was cleansed and forgiven before he answered in Isaiah 6, you ask God to forgive and cleanse you, and then you say, "Here I am, Lord, send me."
Active ministry is required for maturity
As Jesus said, "The Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve and give His life as a ransom for many" (Mark 10:45). You cannot say you're spiritually mature and then not have any ministry. Ministry, serving others, is a sign of maturity. A lack of ministry can actually be a sign of immaturity. And this is how it connects to unity: as we all serve one another, "we build one another up and we all become more united and we all become more mature."
Key 3: Understand growth is impossible without truth and love together
"Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work" (Ephesians 4:14–16).
Spiritual infants are easily blown around by false teaching, and our information age offers more of it than ever. Pastor Josh names three common false teachings today:
#1 Jesus + ____ = salvation. Beware teaching that says "Jesus plus something" saves you. Scripture is clear: "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith — and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God" (Ephesians 2:8).
#2 Name it and claim it. Beware "name it and claim it" theology that treats God like a vending machine: the idea that "if you have enough faith and you name it and you claim it, God will give it to you." We can still come to Him, ask Him for things, and expect that He will hear us and at times miraculously answer.
#3 Love is a license. Beware the lie that love is simply a license to live however you please.
The antidote is speaking the truth in love. Love without truth is sappy and spineless. Truth without love is harsh, and has driven many people away from the church.
Pastor Josh made it concrete with a hypothetical marriage where one spouse is working too much and the other feels neglected. Almost all truth and no love sounds like, "You're a failed spouse. I wish I never married you." All love and no truth says, "I'll just stay quiet," even while deeply resenting them in your heart. Truth and love together sounds like, "Hey, I love you. I care about you," and then saying honestly that sometimes it's too much: "I'd really appreciate it if you'd maybe pray and consider maybe tweaking some things." When he was a young pastor in his first big leadership conflict, with people in the church pushing back, a Christian counselor told him he was "speaking all truth" and needed to "approach this with a scalpel instead of a battle axe."
Jesus held both perfectly. John 1:14 says the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, "full of grace and truth." As Pastor Josh told the story of the woman caught in adultery, Jesus said to her, "I don't condemn you either," and there is the grace. Then, "go and sin no more," and there is the truth. We see it most clearly at the cross: the truth that our sin deserves death, and the love that He would die in our place.
A takeaway to reflect on
Two honest questions to sit with this week: Where am I in the process of becoming more like Christ? And is there a relationship in my life where there is division that should be unity?
If you don't have a relationship with Jesus yet, you can "take that first step of faith" today: "Jesus, I admit the truth that I'm a sinner and that I need to be saved." Receive His love and His grace, and ask Him to change you.
The same grace that saves you is the same grace that strengthens you toward maturity and deeper unity with others. You can't fix a deep thing with a band-aid. Come to the Father who loves you: "he'll tell you the truth about your problem, but he will give you the grace and he will give you the strength to overcome it."
If you are near Livermore or anywhere in the Tri-Valley and looking for a church family to grow with, we would love to meet you this Sunday at Arroyo Church. Come as you are.