The news comes in a text or a phone call. Someone you care about just lost a person they love. You want to help, but you have no idea what to say.
A lot of people feel stuck right there, even a lot of Christians. They do not know what to say when someone dies, and they are afraid of saying the wrong thing. So they keep their distance.
The good news is that comforting someone who is grieving is simpler than you think. You don't need a speech. You need to show up.
In the video below, from a message on 2 Corinthians 1, I talk about how God calls us to comfort others the same way He comforts us.
Showing up matters more than what you say.
In a letter in the Bible, the apostle Paul wrote that God "comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God" (2 Corinthians 1:4, NIV). So how does God comfort us? Presence. He comes to us, and He stays with us.
That means you can comfort a grieving friend in the same way. You can help them toward God's presence, and you can comfort them with your own presence. It is what I like to call the ministry of presence. It simply means being there for someone and letting them know you love them.
You cannot make their pain go away, but you can be with them in it. The greatest present in the middle of suffering is presence.
I will admit, this does not come naturally to everyone. I am a words person by nature, which is why I speak for a living.
But love involves so much more than words. The ministry of presence does not ask you to have the right answer. It asks you to be there. Showing up will cost you some time, and that is okay. When you sacrifice your time to be with someone who needs comfort, you are worshipping God.
Job's friends got it right for seven days.
The Bible tells the story of a man named Job, who lost his children, his wealth, and his health. When three of his friends heard about it, they came to comfort him (Job 2:11). Here is what they did when they got there:
"Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was." (Job 2:13, NIV)
Seven days and seven nights, and no one said a word. Those are good friends.
Notice where they sat. Rather than standing over Job with answers, they sat "on the ground with him." They could see how great his suffering was, so they stayed quiet and let him know they were there.
If you keep reading the book of Job, the story changes. His friends start talking, and a lot of what they say is wrong. Later, God tells them they have not spoken the truth about Him (Job 42:7). But for those first seven days, they did exactly the right thing.
Most of us know how to show up. What we struggle with is knowing when to stop talking. So here is the simplest way I can put it: show up, and listen more than you talk.
Even true words can come at the wrong time.
Can I be honest with you? A lot of us Christians are not very good at this. We walk into the middle of someone's pain and start handing out Christian clichés. "They're in a better place." "Just trust God." "Something good will come out of this."
Some lines like these point to something true about God. But when someone is in the middle of intense suffering, that is not what they need from you. Most of the time, they have heard it before. A funeral is not the time to quote Romans 8:28 and tell someone that God will work all things together for good. That promise is true, but it can wait.
What they need to know first is that God loves them, and that you love them.
People also say, "God will never give you more than you can handle." That line is not just badly timed. It is not true.
In the same letter where Paul writes about God's comfort, he says he and the people with him were "under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure" (2 Corinthians 1:8, NIV). It was more than they could handle. Then he tells us why it happened: "that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead" (2 Corinthians 1:9, NIV).
When a loss is more than your friend can handle, they do not need to hear that they are strong enough. They need God, and they need people who love them.
Your job is not to fix it.
If you want to know how to help someone who is grieving, start with a few simple words. You could say something like this:
"I'm so sorry for your loss. I love you. I'm here for you."
Then give them a hug. Bring them a meal, whatever their comfort food is. Sit on the couch with them and watch a good movie over some Cheez-Its. You don't have to say much at all.
The Bible says to "mourn with those who mourn" (Romans 12:15, NIV). If you are like a lot of people, that is hard. You don't like it when the people around you are sad, so you just want to fix it. But there are times when your job is not to fix it. Your job is to stand with the person in it.
That means you do not try to change their emotions either. Telling someone "You shouldn't be sad" or "You need to cheer up" does not help. How they feel is not yours to control or change. Let them grieve, and keep loving them.
The hope can come after the hug.
Think about how God comforts us. Before He ever says a word, He is there, and He loves us. That is His first step toward us. And God does not just stay with us in our suffering. In Jesus, He suffered for us on the cross.
So is there a time to talk about the hope we have in Jesus, or how God can bring good out of pain? Yes, there is a time for that, but it is not the first step. The truth and the hope can come later, after your friend has received some comfort and had some time to process.
In the meantime, you can help them toward God's presence. Pray for them, and pray with them if they want you to. Some people have had friends walk away at their worst moments. God will never do that. When you stay, you get to comfort them the same way God comforts you.
Today, you can give someone who is hurting the greatest present in the middle of suffering: your presence.
Daily Practice: Who is grieving in your life right now? Pray for that person by name. Then reach out to them today, and start with those three simple sentences.
Maybe you are the one who is grieving. I am so sorry for your loss. You can read more about how Jesus meets you in your grief. If the holidays are hard for you this year, you can also read about grief during the holidays.
I hope our church is never known for Christian clichés. I hope it is a place where we come around people who are hurting and love them. Whether you are grieving or caring for someone who is, reach out to us. It would be a privilege to pray for you.
If a loss ever feels too heavy to live with, for you or for someone you love, please call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any time.